I hope that no potential employers are reading this, because If you were to ask me how I got to a place where recovery was even an option for me, I would say a big contributor was drugs…
(How about that for good intro hooks!) 
No, not the kind they warn you about in health class….
When my doctor first recommended I take antidepressants the first time, I felt a little like this…
Cue the stereotypes!
“Antidepressants?”
“Those are only for, like, crazy people though…”
“Aren’t those for people who are suicidal?”
“They just make people, and their emotions, fake…”
While I didn’t have those exact thoughts, I did have extremely troubling thoughts surrounding the idea of taking a drug that would affect my brain chemistry. After all, I was somebody who had negative opinions of antidepressants and agreed that America was a concerningly overprescribed nation during a class debate. That is– until they helped me…
When asked if I would be willing to go on antidepressants for the first time, it was only months after my Dad died. On the doctor’s questionnaire that asks how many days you feel hopeless, fatigued, and better off dead– you know, the one that looks a little like this?
I scored the maximum amount. Life was too painful and hopeless. I hated being alive. I found no enjoyment in anything anymore, and the only way I could get through the day was by distracting myself with whatever means possible to prevent myself from thinking about my new reality– life without my Dad and the trauma that now haunts me.
It just so happened that during this time we were reading The Catcher in the Rye in english class–a book about a lonely and rebellious teenager named Holden Caulfield who is depressed and had previously endured the death of his younger brother (unfortunate similarities with such horrible timing). In a class discussion, the question “Should Holden seek treatment and do you think medication would be beneficial?” was posed. One of my classmates responded by using Holden’s all-too-famous word, saying “I think Holden taking medication would make him a phony...” This is by no means a reflection of the student, but a reflection of society as a whole and its’ treatment towards mental health. The words echoed in my head and undoubtedly added to the struggles I was having to take any steps to improve my mental health.
Eventually, I agreed to take medication, but was fearful of the effects it could have on me. Not only the listed potential side effects that seem to go on forever, including: weight gain, anxiety, insomnia, nausea, tremors, and headaches, but I worried “would it make me fake?” Would it just cover up all of my emotions and cause me to be giddy and happy all of the time? That was the last thing I wanted honestly as I felt a conflicting combination of not being ready nor wanting to be okay, but also not being able to go on as I was.
Antidepressants fall into several different categories, all working in slightly different ways, but all with the purpose of treating disorders like anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder to list a few. The most commonly prescribed of these categories are referred to as SSRIs (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). They work by increasing levels of serotonin– a neurotransmitter responsible for stabilizing mood– in the brain. Low serotonin levels are believed to be responsible for both anxiety and depression (along with many more disorders), therefore my doctor expected me to have a decrease in anxiety, which, in turn would allow me to work on coping and help the depression. However, after a month of being on the prescription, my anxiety skyrocketed like never before as a side effect. The simplest of things like deciding what to have for breakfast or thinking about the one commitment I had during the weekend left me with debilitating anxiety.
So I stopped taking the pills.
Since it had only been a short time of trying and I had been on such a low dose of the drug, nobody was overly concerned that I had stopped. I wasn’t willing to try anything else afterwards fearing that I would have similar side effects. But after a year without any improvement in my mental health and with a new primary care doctor, I started on a new medication after having panic attacks that lasted for days. I’m talking blurry vision, palpitating heart beats, shortness of breath, nausea, and a general feeling that I would pass out or die constantly (super fun, right?). Within a couple of months of being on the new drug, my general anxiety as well as my anxiety surrounding food had improved. It was both a relief, and terrifying. After all, I didn’t really know who I was without an eating disorder. Anorexia has shaped my entire teenage life and most of my memories. At first, the more I ate of the foods that had been previously off limits to me, the more I wanted to go back to the eating disorder… I didn’t know what this new future would lead to, whereas I had control with the eating disorder. I actually wanted to regain some of the anxiety that I had been so comfortable with, going to show just how powerful eating disorders are when it comes to rationality and control.
Unfortunately, pills aren’t magic, so where I wanted recovery to straight from point A to point B, it went more like this...
While medicine can help you get to a place where working on recovery is possible, nobody really tells you that once you get there, there’s work that needs to be done to develop skills and mechanisms to keep up the positive growth.
It can be challenging to watch somebody transition mentally and emotionally as a result of taking medication. It can be frustrating seeing somebody act in a way that you are not used to or are confused by. Medication is supposed to change behavior, that is the whole purpose! But it can still be hard to convince oneself that the individual taking the medication is still their same self instead of an artificial version induced by a drug. I have been on both sides of the equation, both watching others act differently and also being that person. There are days I would feel absolutely numb, days I would feel drunk on happiness, laughing at everything for no reason, days that I would feel so down that I don’t get off of the couch, and everything in between. It takes a long time for your brain to figure out what the heck is going on! As hard as it might be to watch somebody during this transitional stage, it is exponentially harder to be that person having to go through all of the frustrating effects. That being said, it is crucial to allow somebody to be on a medication that they need without giving uninformed input because you may be a confused or frustrated. The fact is, many people are not educated about how these types of drugs work, and this lack of understanding increases the stigma behind taking a pill that could potentially save somebody’s life.
I think it’s also important to let others know that, between side effects and unfamiliar changes, not everything that comes along with taking medication is sunshine and rainbows. For a while I was on too high of a dosage and before I was able to put the puzzle pieces together, I started failing classes, lost all my motivation in running, and had all of my emotions sucked out of me. I was frustrated with myself to the point of tears constantly and felt like I was no longer a capable person. It sucked for many-a-reasons, but what made it that much harder was that I couldn’t explain to people that I was struggling in school and track because I was taking a tiny pill that hugely affected some portions of my life in order to work on improving other portions, a.k.a., my mental health–something much more important than getting good grades or running fast times…
It can be a long hard journey to find what works for you, but the good thing is, as long as you are on the correct medication, the benefits should eventually outweigh the drawbacks. After starting on medication, I began talking to people again, I laughed with friends, I stopped feeling so impulsive and controlling, and I was able to relax. Antidepressants are all about trial and error, so talk with your doctor until you find the correct medicine and dosage and talk to any family members that have had success or failure on a specific medication (that’s what I had to do) because there is something out there that can help you.
In the end, if taking something or doing something that is safe helps you, by all means you
should do it. If wrapping an ankle makes you feel less pain– wrap it! If drinking Emergen-C helps
your cold feel better– drink it! Taking a medication doesn’t mean you are any less “normal” or
“messed up” than somebody who doesn’t take a medication. We don’t think any less of people
who take medication for high blood pressure so we shouldn’t about anybody taking any other
medication that is just as necessary. Some bodies don’t make enough insulin, others don’t make
enough of certain neurotransmitters, and if we aren’t worried that taking insulin makes diabetics
“fake” or “abnormal”, there’s no need to do so about any other type of medication. At least, as far
as I know, I’m no phony– I’m still Sara.
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